True but thats because hes a fetus.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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