I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
