while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
