Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
