Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
