Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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