If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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