I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
