I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
