I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
