i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
