If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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