watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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