You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
