Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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