I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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