I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have already put on my inside pants.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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