Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
