why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
