I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
