how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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