Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
