Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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