so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
