it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I would fuck him just for his dog
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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