I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
