20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
These tits shall not be calmed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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