In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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