Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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