I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
