My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
