hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
