I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i now understand why vodka
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
