Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
