Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
