Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
