he was CRYING into my vagina
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
