I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
