When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
