you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
