I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Randomize
