Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
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you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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