we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
