K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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