I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
