i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
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He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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