FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
