She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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