Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
