I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
