At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
