I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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