I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder