Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i think i have two assholes
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
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So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"