Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend