PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
